Grave Realization ...

 

I went out to visit my grandfather's grave; he's been gone for almost a month now, and I wanted to tend to his gravesite.

 

As I spent the time cleaning up dried and ragged flowers and ribbons from the burial, I was conscious of the fact that my mother's grave is right next to his. The only difference now is that her daddy is next to her again. I know that would've meant a lot to her.

 

After I cleaned up his grave as best I could in slacks and a polo, I knelt down in front of momma. As soon as my hand touched her headstone, I began to cry. I don't know exactly why, other than knowing that I miss her immensely more than I ever thought I would. I talked to her about her grandkids; only one of which she had the opportunity to know. I told her how proud I am of them, and how proud she would be of them, too. I talked to her about my wife, and how my wife is the best thing to happen to me.

 

I thanked her for taking care of me for all those years, even though I didn't think it was worthwhile back then.

 

I guess the biggest realization I came across is that spending so much time with my grandfather before he died made it much easier for me when he passed away. I was at peace. I always thought death was like taking off a bandaide. I figured that ripping it off would hurt, but would be better in the long run. Now I understand that losing my mom so quickly, without letting her know how much she meant to me and how influential she's been in my life, has had a profound effect on my life. I still don't know that I'm okay with it. I feel comforted when I can pay homage to her through stories told to my kids. I talk to my family members about her.

 

It seems that in these instances, it's better to keep the wound open, rather than letting it scar over in an attempt to forget that it's there.

 

Peaceful Easy Feeling ...

 

It sounds corny, but I feel like one of those Disney movies where there's darkness, rain and the obligatory thunderous roar. Then slowly, the trees part to reveal a magically beautiful sunshine with flowers in bloom, butterflies fluttering and birds singing. You know it's going to be alright.

 

I feel like I'm coming out of that dark forest. I'm looking back and remembering how I didn't think I'd get out; I felt hopeless. Now I realize that I've made it. Now the choice is mine to either keep walking toward the beauty of the life ahead, or continue to dwell on where I've been.

 

You can't change the past. You can only accept it, learn from it ... and move forward.

 

Lyrics #2

 

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain't too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we've been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you'll be brave
'Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I ain't got the winning ticket
Not the one that's gonna pull us through
No one said that it'd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
I'd be gone

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you can't love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

It's a bitch, but life's a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It's hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let's hold on

Random Words #3

 

Melancholy. Alone. Shadows. Despair. Beatings. Abuse. Danger. Regret. Remorse. Shame. Acknowledgement. Doubt. Nervous. Anxious. Hesitant.

 

Fighting Myself ...

 

I'm tired of fighting myself. I know I have every reason to be happy with where my life is, but it's just so hard to stop beating myself up. I have to learn to accept the hand I've been dealt, and quit wondering what could've been, etc. I am happy where I'm at ... when that voice in my head is not bothering me. I think that's why I drink ... to get that voice to shut up. The problem is that sometimes the liquor makes that voice even stronger.

 

I'm kind of in a place right now, where I don't want to talk to anyone other than my wife, who I really think understands me. I didn't think that before, but it's becoming more apparent these days that she actually does. How amazing! I've got to stop closing her out, and work to let her in further. I'm getting there, but it's a new trick for an old dog.

 

Still not sure why I'm blogging all of this, but it does seem to help to see my thoughts in print.

 

Who knows?

 

Weight ...

 

Well, it finally happened. My grandfather died this weekend.

 

On one hand, I'd have loved to have him around much much longer. On the other hand, I know that his life had changed drastically. He was in pain from the Lung Cancer, and he was still adjusting to a life of laying in bed most of the day, and not being as active as he'd been all his life.

 

I feel like such a large weight has been lifted from me. I was his Power of Attorney. I loved being there for him, and making sure that he was treated well. I loved spending the past few months at his side comforting him, and also learning from him. He was a great example of a small-town southern man. If I could be a little more like him, I might be worth keeping around! However, it was also such a burden to walk around with the weight of not knowing if he'd be there the next day. If there were times that I couldn't make it to see him, I was constantly worried that something would happen and I would feel guilty for not being there.

 

Moreover, I felt such a pull to take care of him, because that's what my mother would be doing for him if she were here. I owed her so much, and it pained me to lose her without being able to tell her what she meant to my life. I had all-but abandoned her in her last few years because I was trying to live my own life. I didn't realize that my life was eternally pinned to hers. She helped to make me who I am.

 

Losing my grandfather was my last link to her. To know that I did right by him, makes me feel like I ultimately did right by her, too. And that is part of the weight that has been lifted from me. I love them both, and will always miss them both.

 

In the end, I got it right. Rest in peace.

 

Last Will and Testament ...

 

Wow, I'm 30 years old and I just finished my Will.

 

It's strange to think about, and hopefully it will be a long, long time before it's ever relevant. But I've seen too many instances where someone's time has come before they, or anyone else was ready. My 401(k) plan offers the service for free, so it was a lot easier for me to sit down and get it done.

 

Still, the thought of taking an inventory of your valuable possessions, and deciding who you want to have them, is quite intimidating. Am I sentencing myself to doom? I don't think so. I actually feel a lot better now. When my dad was hit by a car driving too close to the shoulder, the eye witness said that my dad had about 5-7 minutes where he was just looking up into the sky ... he was alive for that time, but probably knew he was dying.

 

I feel like if that were to happen to me, I'd spend my last few minutes thinking about whether or not my family will be okay without me. I have life insurance, I have letters to my family, and now I have my Will. They will be okay.

 

You just never know what's going to happen in life ... it's good to know that you've done what you can for the ones you'll leave behind.

 

Not yet ... Not yet ...

 

It seems like it's getting here too fast. Sooner than later, it will be time for me to hit the road again. This travel season won't be as bad as last Fall, but I can't kid myself ... I'm not looking forward to it, regardless.

 

I guess I'm still looking forward to the West Texas trip. No matter what, I can never hold a grudge against that part of the country. It's beautiful. You can drive down remote highways and still imagine that you're riding a horse through the open countryside. The mountains are both welcoming and intimidating. Even when they're snow-capped like they will most likely be this Fall, the mountains present themselves as a warm reprieve from the civilized world; which isn't really so civilized anymore, is it?

 

Inevitably I'll have to meander over to Southeastern Louisiana. It's a shame that such an ecclectic landscape with deep images from it's past, has become a place that is less than desirable to tourists. Even being familiar with the area, I still feel less than safe. I constantly watch over my shoulder for locals who are anxious for easy money from unsuspecting outsiders. I've even applied for my Concealed Handgun License, specifically for this territory.

 

---

 

Most of all, I'm going to miss the routines I've settled into since I've been home the past two months. I sit in the office and long to be home. I go to lunch with my wife, friends and co-workers. I see my kids as soon as they get home and I'm greeted with screams of delight from my daughter. It breaks my heart to think of her face the first time she comes home and realizes that Daddy is not home tonight.

 

I've really enjoyed my time with my wife these past two months. She's so special to me. I've grown much closer to her, knowing that she puts up with so much crap to stay married to me. I don't know how I lucked into snagging her, but it's important to realize that I had nothing to do with it. I was lucky.

 

So how will my life change when I start traveling again? On one hand, we've all become more adjusted to how things work when I'm gone. On the other hand ... we all like it better when I'm home. No matter what.

 

Lyrics

 

From now on, I'm gonna be the kind of man that you can lean on.

 

And when the waters of life get a little too rough or a little too deep, I'm gonna be your steppin' stone.

 

And oh, I remember all those nights that you used to take right a hold of me, and you'd hold on.

 

Please let me make it. Please, I can't give you up. 'Cause you've made love so good for me so long.

 

Don't take it away, 'cause love don't come easy. Darlin', I'm sorry I stepped over the line.

 

Don't take it away, don't make me go crazy. 'Cause I would follow you ... to the ends of my mind.

 

Random Words #2

 

Happy. Thankful. Pleased. Beautiful. Soft. Lips. Skin. Touch. Warmth. Dedicate. Cherish. Show. Know. Reveal. Acknowledge. Experience.

 

Every Rose ...

 

Maybe a relationship is like a rose ... you see the bloom and you're enthralled by the beauty of the bloom. You start your journey to obtain the rose.

 

Along the way, you realize that there are thorns that you didn't see when you were admiring the rose. You fight through a few of the smaller thorns and then you come across the big thorns. These are hard to navigate. You get pricked. You're bleeding. The cut is stinging and all you want to do is drop the rose and go find something less painful. But as you stand there bleeding, still holding the rose, you make a decision. It would be easy to drop everything. It would be easy to start over and look for a flower with no pain involved.

 

But if you've got the right rose ... you make the decision to keep fighting through the thorns. You might get pricked a couple more times. You may get hurt. But in the end, you find the rose, and the thorns are smaller. Soon, you are at the rose, and the trip seems to be just a small part of the quest to find your rose.

 

And the rose is what you were after. Only, this rose never wilts, and never loses it's fragrance.

 

Small Things ...

 

I was walking through the hallway at work today. One of my co-workers asked me how I am today. I said I was doing very well, thank you. I asked her how she was, and she looked slightly distressed and said, "Oh ... okay."

 

I told her, "Well, you're still breathing, so you have that going for you." She replied with a laugh, and I said ... "Some times, you just have to take the small things."

 

I thought it was a good bit of advice.

Joke

 

A 60-year old man walks into a jewelry store, with a bombshell in her early 20's by his side.

 

He says to the jeweler, "This is my girlfriend, and I'd like to show her how special she is to me." So the jeweler reaches into a drawyer and pulls out a very nice diamond ring valued at $5,000. The man says, "Well, that's nice, but not near beautiful enough for this gorgeous young woman." The jeweler gets excited, runs back to his office, re-appearing shortly with a gold box. He delicately opens the box to reveal a sparkling, perfectly polished ring with 3 large diamonds encrusted in the finest gold. He says, "This is from my personal collection ... it's valued at well over $100,000.

 

The young girl gasps, cuddles up close to the old man with her body quivering in excitement and delight. The old man says, "That's the one." The jeweler asks, "How would you like to pay for the ring?" "With a check," says the man. "Sir, I cannot release the ring until the check clears your bank," states the jeweler. The old man casually replies, "Perfectly understandable. I'll leave the check here with you. Once it has cleared Monday, I will come pick up the ring."

 

On late Monday, the jeweler calls the old man, disappointed and tells him that the check did not clear. The old man says, "Nope, I knew it wouldn't. But I had one helluva weekend!"

New to my iPod ...

 

The Best of Whitesnake

Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

The Very Best of Judas Priest

 

Life Suck?

 

If you ever feel like your life sucks, or is more trouble than it's worth ... go visit a nursing home.

 

Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the nursing home is living in misery. What I'm saying is that you have a group of people here, who would probably love to be anywhere else than wheeling themselves in a wheelchair at approximately .5 mpd (miles per day) back and forth from the sitting room to their bed. My grandfather is in a nursing home, and I go see him twice a day. He's doing well, but his only problem is lung cancer. Other than shortness of breath, he is fairly independent.

 

However, I see men and women who are taken out of bed, showered and dressed and wheeled into a hallway or sitting room and then left there to 'make a day of it.' Some of them stare out of a glass door at the world outside. Some of them have a set-up that keeps them from falling forward out of their wheelchair, so they just lean over and sleep all day. Others spend their days laying in their beds, no doubt wishing the end would just come.

 

So ... if you're having a bad day, think about those folks who are spending the end of their lives in limbo ... just waiting for the inevitable.

Random words ...

 

Cut. Hurt. Cold. Fetus. Hold. Accept. Embrace. Freedom. Enlightenment.

By the Light of a Burning Bridge ...

 

"It's amazing what a man can see by the light of a burning bridge."

 

I heard this song yesterday while I was piddling in the shop. What an amazing lyric!

 

I find that I'm learning something new about myself and my place in the world every day. By the light of a burning bridge, I'm seeing how fortunate I am to be where I am. I'm learning about myself in a whole new light, because I'm finally open to seeing myself through other people's eyes. When I look through those eyes, I see that it's fun BEING me, but not always fun living with me; experiencing me. That realization gives me new insight into what it takes for me to be more accessible to those around me.

 

I was told yesterday that I'm selfish. I don't think about other people when I make decisions about what I want, and when and how I want it. That may be an elementary concept -- the idea of thinking of the impact on others -- but for me, it's something that rarely comes into play. For the first time, however, I was able to listen to these words and understand that they were true. I'm not saying I can fix it overnight, but at least I'm at a point of understanding ... and a willingness to approach a solution.

 

Trust is the biggest component to change. The roads I've been down in my life make it hard for me to trust anyone beside myself. I'm the only one I know is not lying to me. Ironically, I'm also realizing that I don't always tell myself the truth. My wife has seen some of the darkest sides of me, and she's still here. She still loves me, no matter how much it hurts some times. I wish I'd gotten here differently, but I'm finally starting to trust myself to her. It's a fine line, because I have always been able to trust her to do things within her control. Now, I'm finding myself trusting her with things out of her control, such as identifying and helping me to change the self-destructive attributes of my personality.

 

I can't believe that I'm as scarred by my past as I am. I always thought I came out unscathed. Not so. More and more I'm realizing that many parts of my personality are designed for defensive purposes. Even though I thought I was an open book, I'm finding out that the open book was more of an open dare. I dare you to judge me. I dare you to care about the fact that I don't care! I dare you to isolate me, because that's where I'm comfortable.

 

These are hard things to realize about myself. Maybe I'm not ready to blurt them out to everyone ... but I'm trying. I doubt anyone reads this blog, but that's not the point. I'm seeing my own thoughts in print. I can go back when I'm in a different mood and read them again. I can remind myself what I was feeling and understanding. It's almost like reading someone else's thoughts, because I rarely remember fully what I've written.

It's Closing Time ...

It's time to close a chapter in my life that has been open too long. I've gotten here today by continuing with what has worked in the past. At some point, you have to realize that life is about change and adaptability. The fact that you've been to the top of previous mountains, does not guarantee success in climbing your current mountain.

I've always had a big ego ... too big. Hell, it's that ego that made me who I am -- that ego which got me as far as I've come. And it's that ego that nearly destroyed all that I've obtained thus far. How do you part ways with your own personality? How do you differentiate between those parts of you that have served you well, and those that have brought you crashing to the ground? It sounds like an easy question, until you realize that most times, crashing to the ground felt pretty good until you hit the bottom.

What I've come to realize is that the events in life are easy to classify as good or bad. It's more difficult to classify the behaviors that lead to those events.

I was told once that I lead a charmed life. I'm not rich or famous. I'm not the star football player or the Hollywood actor. Nonetheless, life always worked out for me. If I did something I shouldn't have, most times I never got caught. If I did get caught, I could melt butter with my words until things worked out for the better. If I didn't do my homework, the teacher was sick the next day, or the assignment was postponed. How could I ever really go wrong? I turned off my emotions because, if I couldn't feel ... then I didn't care.

That's how I got where I am today. Ironically.

I used to pride myself on not having a conscious. What did I care how other people felt? What responsibility did I have for the world around me? I worked hard, made money and took care of myself. I was number one in a book about me, written by me and dedicated to me. Those little blips on the radar of my lifetime, became spots of guilt. I didn't think I felt them ... they were so far down inside my persona of The Ultimate Me, that I rarely even noticed that I had feelings down there.

I understand now, that I have continually engaged in self-destructive behavior. I did whatever it took to tarnish my image. I was tired of having a great life. I wanted people to see that I was vulnerable; I wanted them to see that I was stained. Maybe I wanted to feel a little repentance for things I never felt good about. So I did it. I became self-destructive in such a way that I no longer had that reputation. At first it felt good ... I was my own person ... however irrelevant that was to anyone around me.

And I nearly lost everything. My ego let me believe that I could continue on that path while still keeping those things that I hold dear to my soul. Karma is a bitch. I stood on the edge of losing my wife, my kids ... my respect within my own family ... and maybe most important, my respect for myself ... however little was left. Part of my torture was the childhood I missed, and here I was about to create the same shattered childhood for my own kids. I was about to inflict that same misery upon my wife ... my best friend. What was I thinking?

It's time to break the cycle. I'm not saying I'm perfect now. I have a long road to hoe before I can trust myself with my own life. The important thing though, is that I recognize that I was harming myself, and inadvertently ... those around me who, for some reason, still care for me. I'm not saved by some sovereign being in the sky ... I'm not giving up all of my bad habits in pursuit of some righteous lifestyle.

What I'm doing now, is appreciating who I am, and who I can be. I want to be the man that my wife and kids think I am. I want to impact those around me in a positive manner, by utilizing my knowledge, talents and beliefs to help others achieve their dreams. To do that, it's time to lose my ego. It's time to understand that my greatest achievement will be the legacy I leave behind when my kids are successful.

It's time for me to love myself, and thereby love others around me ... it's time to shine in a new way.

Eluding Myself ...

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find out how I feel about the world going on around me. I know my core values and beliefs, but then there's so much junk and clutter piled on top of those beliefs; it's becoming evermore frustrating to truly release how I feel.

Granted, I've got a lot of crap going on right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in six months. But I'm not there yet. I'm here and now, and feeling like I can't really face myself. I feel like there's something down deep inside that wants to get out, but I spend the better part of every day keeping it down there. My life used to be so open ... now I feel like I'm just a tangled ball of yarn with a giant cat just continually swatting at me, tangling me up even more. I hate cats.

I don't really know what to do about it, or how it's going to work out. I've always prided myself on my life's ability to just work itself out. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or just because I've been depending on that for so long -- but I feel this overwhelming need to straighten things out a bit, before I become self-destructive.

Unfortunately, that emotion is head-butting against my natural tendency to build walls and close myself off in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable.
Like I said, maybe it will pass. But right now I just have this deep wish that whatever is happening around me will just happen without me, so that I can come out on the other side and keep walking down the road of life.

So there you have it. Ramblings of an idiot.