Grave Realization ...

 

I went out to visit my grandfather's grave; he's been gone for almost a month now, and I wanted to tend to his gravesite.

 

As I spent the time cleaning up dried and ragged flowers and ribbons from the burial, I was conscious of the fact that my mother's grave is right next to his. The only difference now is that her daddy is next to her again. I know that would've meant a lot to her.

 

After I cleaned up his grave as best I could in slacks and a polo, I knelt down in front of momma. As soon as my hand touched her headstone, I began to cry. I don't know exactly why, other than knowing that I miss her immensely more than I ever thought I would. I talked to her about her grandkids; only one of which she had the opportunity to know. I told her how proud I am of them, and how proud she would be of them, too. I talked to her about my wife, and how my wife is the best thing to happen to me.

 

I thanked her for taking care of me for all those years, even though I didn't think it was worthwhile back then.

 

I guess the biggest realization I came across is that spending so much time with my grandfather before he died made it much easier for me when he passed away. I was at peace. I always thought death was like taking off a bandaide. I figured that ripping it off would hurt, but would be better in the long run. Now I understand that losing my mom so quickly, without letting her know how much she meant to me and how influential she's been in my life, has had a profound effect on my life. I still don't know that I'm okay with it. I feel comforted when I can pay homage to her through stories told to my kids. I talk to my family members about her.

 

It seems that in these instances, it's better to keep the wound open, rather than letting it scar over in an attempt to forget that it's there.

 

Peaceful Easy Feeling ...

 

It sounds corny, but I feel like one of those Disney movies where there's darkness, rain and the obligatory thunderous roar. Then slowly, the trees part to reveal a magically beautiful sunshine with flowers in bloom, butterflies fluttering and birds singing. You know it's going to be alright.

 

I feel like I'm coming out of that dark forest. I'm looking back and remembering how I didn't think I'd get out; I felt hopeless. Now I realize that I've made it. Now the choice is mine to either keep walking toward the beauty of the life ahead, or continue to dwell on where I've been.

 

You can't change the past. You can only accept it, learn from it ... and move forward.

 

Lyrics #2

 

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain't too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we've been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you'll be brave
'Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I ain't got the winning ticket
Not the one that's gonna pull us through
No one said that it'd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
I'd be gone

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you can't love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

It's a bitch, but life's a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It's hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let's hold on

Random Words #3

 

Melancholy. Alone. Shadows. Despair. Beatings. Abuse. Danger. Regret. Remorse. Shame. Acknowledgement. Doubt. Nervous. Anxious. Hesitant.

 

Fighting Myself ...

 

I'm tired of fighting myself. I know I have every reason to be happy with where my life is, but it's just so hard to stop beating myself up. I have to learn to accept the hand I've been dealt, and quit wondering what could've been, etc. I am happy where I'm at ... when that voice in my head is not bothering me. I think that's why I drink ... to get that voice to shut up. The problem is that sometimes the liquor makes that voice even stronger.

 

I'm kind of in a place right now, where I don't want to talk to anyone other than my wife, who I really think understands me. I didn't think that before, but it's becoming more apparent these days that she actually does. How amazing! I've got to stop closing her out, and work to let her in further. I'm getting there, but it's a new trick for an old dog.

 

Still not sure why I'm blogging all of this, but it does seem to help to see my thoughts in print.

 

Who knows?

 

Weight ...

 

Well, it finally happened. My grandfather died this weekend.

 

On one hand, I'd have loved to have him around much much longer. On the other hand, I know that his life had changed drastically. He was in pain from the Lung Cancer, and he was still adjusting to a life of laying in bed most of the day, and not being as active as he'd been all his life.

 

I feel like such a large weight has been lifted from me. I was his Power of Attorney. I loved being there for him, and making sure that he was treated well. I loved spending the past few months at his side comforting him, and also learning from him. He was a great example of a small-town southern man. If I could be a little more like him, I might be worth keeping around! However, it was also such a burden to walk around with the weight of not knowing if he'd be there the next day. If there were times that I couldn't make it to see him, I was constantly worried that something would happen and I would feel guilty for not being there.

 

Moreover, I felt such a pull to take care of him, because that's what my mother would be doing for him if she were here. I owed her so much, and it pained me to lose her without being able to tell her what she meant to my life. I had all-but abandoned her in her last few years because I was trying to live my own life. I didn't realize that my life was eternally pinned to hers. She helped to make me who I am.

 

Losing my grandfather was my last link to her. To know that I did right by him, makes me feel like I ultimately did right by her, too. And that is part of the weight that has been lifted from me. I love them both, and will always miss them both.

 

In the end, I got it right. Rest in peace.

 

Last Will and Testament ...

 

Wow, I'm 30 years old and I just finished my Will.

 

It's strange to think about, and hopefully it will be a long, long time before it's ever relevant. But I've seen too many instances where someone's time has come before they, or anyone else was ready. My 401(k) plan offers the service for free, so it was a lot easier for me to sit down and get it done.

 

Still, the thought of taking an inventory of your valuable possessions, and deciding who you want to have them, is quite intimidating. Am I sentencing myself to doom? I don't think so. I actually feel a lot better now. When my dad was hit by a car driving too close to the shoulder, the eye witness said that my dad had about 5-7 minutes where he was just looking up into the sky ... he was alive for that time, but probably knew he was dying.

 

I feel like if that were to happen to me, I'd spend my last few minutes thinking about whether or not my family will be okay without me. I have life insurance, I have letters to my family, and now I have my Will. They will be okay.

 

You just never know what's going to happen in life ... it's good to know that you've done what you can for the ones you'll leave behind.