By the Light of a Burning Bridge ...

 

"It's amazing what a man can see by the light of a burning bridge."

 

I heard this song yesterday while I was piddling in the shop. What an amazing lyric!

 

I find that I'm learning something new about myself and my place in the world every day. By the light of a burning bridge, I'm seeing how fortunate I am to be where I am. I'm learning about myself in a whole new light, because I'm finally open to seeing myself through other people's eyes. When I look through those eyes, I see that it's fun BEING me, but not always fun living with me; experiencing me. That realization gives me new insight into what it takes for me to be more accessible to those around me.

 

I was told yesterday that I'm selfish. I don't think about other people when I make decisions about what I want, and when and how I want it. That may be an elementary concept -- the idea of thinking of the impact on others -- but for me, it's something that rarely comes into play. For the first time, however, I was able to listen to these words and understand that they were true. I'm not saying I can fix it overnight, but at least I'm at a point of understanding ... and a willingness to approach a solution.

 

Trust is the biggest component to change. The roads I've been down in my life make it hard for me to trust anyone beside myself. I'm the only one I know is not lying to me. Ironically, I'm also realizing that I don't always tell myself the truth. My wife has seen some of the darkest sides of me, and she's still here. She still loves me, no matter how much it hurts some times. I wish I'd gotten here differently, but I'm finally starting to trust myself to her. It's a fine line, because I have always been able to trust her to do things within her control. Now, I'm finding myself trusting her with things out of her control, such as identifying and helping me to change the self-destructive attributes of my personality.

 

I can't believe that I'm as scarred by my past as I am. I always thought I came out unscathed. Not so. More and more I'm realizing that many parts of my personality are designed for defensive purposes. Even though I thought I was an open book, I'm finding out that the open book was more of an open dare. I dare you to judge me. I dare you to care about the fact that I don't care! I dare you to isolate me, because that's where I'm comfortable.

 

These are hard things to realize about myself. Maybe I'm not ready to blurt them out to everyone ... but I'm trying. I doubt anyone reads this blog, but that's not the point. I'm seeing my own thoughts in print. I can go back when I'm in a different mood and read them again. I can remind myself what I was feeling and understanding. It's almost like reading someone else's thoughts, because I rarely remember fully what I've written.