Eluding Myself ...

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find out how I feel about the world going on around me. I know my core values and beliefs, but then there's so much junk and clutter piled on top of those beliefs; it's becoming evermore frustrating to truly release how I feel.

Granted, I've got a lot of crap going on right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in six months. But I'm not there yet. I'm here and now, and feeling like I can't really face myself. I feel like there's something down deep inside that wants to get out, but I spend the better part of every day keeping it down there. My life used to be so open ... now I feel like I'm just a tangled ball of yarn with a giant cat just continually swatting at me, tangling me up even more. I hate cats.

I don't really know what to do about it, or how it's going to work out. I've always prided myself on my life's ability to just work itself out. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or just because I've been depending on that for so long -- but I feel this overwhelming need to straighten things out a bit, before I become self-destructive.

Unfortunately, that emotion is head-butting against my natural tendency to build walls and close myself off in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable.
Like I said, maybe it will pass. But right now I just have this deep wish that whatever is happening around me will just happen without me, so that I can come out on the other side and keep walking down the road of life.

So there you have it. Ramblings of an idiot.