It's Closing Time ...

It's time to close a chapter in my life that has been open too long. I've gotten here today by continuing with what has worked in the past. At some point, you have to realize that life is about change and adaptability. The fact that you've been to the top of previous mountains, does not guarantee success in climbing your current mountain.

I've always had a big ego ... too big. Hell, it's that ego that made me who I am -- that ego which got me as far as I've come. And it's that ego that nearly destroyed all that I've obtained thus far. How do you part ways with your own personality? How do you differentiate between those parts of you that have served you well, and those that have brought you crashing to the ground? It sounds like an easy question, until you realize that most times, crashing to the ground felt pretty good until you hit the bottom.

What I've come to realize is that the events in life are easy to classify as good or bad. It's more difficult to classify the behaviors that lead to those events.

I was told once that I lead a charmed life. I'm not rich or famous. I'm not the star football player or the Hollywood actor. Nonetheless, life always worked out for me. If I did something I shouldn't have, most times I never got caught. If I did get caught, I could melt butter with my words until things worked out for the better. If I didn't do my homework, the teacher was sick the next day, or the assignment was postponed. How could I ever really go wrong? I turned off my emotions because, if I couldn't feel ... then I didn't care.

That's how I got where I am today. Ironically.

I used to pride myself on not having a conscious. What did I care how other people felt? What responsibility did I have for the world around me? I worked hard, made money and took care of myself. I was number one in a book about me, written by me and dedicated to me. Those little blips on the radar of my lifetime, became spots of guilt. I didn't think I felt them ... they were so far down inside my persona of The Ultimate Me, that I rarely even noticed that I had feelings down there.

I understand now, that I have continually engaged in self-destructive behavior. I did whatever it took to tarnish my image. I was tired of having a great life. I wanted people to see that I was vulnerable; I wanted them to see that I was stained. Maybe I wanted to feel a little repentance for things I never felt good about. So I did it. I became self-destructive in such a way that I no longer had that reputation. At first it felt good ... I was my own person ... however irrelevant that was to anyone around me.

And I nearly lost everything. My ego let me believe that I could continue on that path while still keeping those things that I hold dear to my soul. Karma is a bitch. I stood on the edge of losing my wife, my kids ... my respect within my own family ... and maybe most important, my respect for myself ... however little was left. Part of my torture was the childhood I missed, and here I was about to create the same shattered childhood for my own kids. I was about to inflict that same misery upon my wife ... my best friend. What was I thinking?

It's time to break the cycle. I'm not saying I'm perfect now. I have a long road to hoe before I can trust myself with my own life. The important thing though, is that I recognize that I was harming myself, and inadvertently ... those around me who, for some reason, still care for me. I'm not saved by some sovereign being in the sky ... I'm not giving up all of my bad habits in pursuit of some righteous lifestyle.

What I'm doing now, is appreciating who I am, and who I can be. I want to be the man that my wife and kids think I am. I want to impact those around me in a positive manner, by utilizing my knowledge, talents and beliefs to help others achieve their dreams. To do that, it's time to lose my ego. It's time to understand that my greatest achievement will be the legacy I leave behind when my kids are successful.

It's time for me to love myself, and thereby love others around me ... it's time to shine in a new way.