Winding Down ...

I'm exhausted.

There's so much going on right now, and I can't seem to get focused on any particular item. I'm like a bee ... just buzzing from one flower to the next and not knowing where I'm going.

I only have a few days of traveling left for work. On one hand that's good, but on the other, I have a lot of things that need to be done in the next day or two. The ironic thing is that I'm so ready to be done with travel, so I can spend more time with my wife and kids -- yet I am so dreading spending any amount of time in the office. I've become accustomed to working on my own, and the thought of sitting in a cubicle is significantly less than desirable.

However, as tired as I am right now, I'm looking forward to picking my kids up from school each day, getting home in time to enjoy a few hours of daylight, and cooking more often. Man, I love to cook. It's like an art form, and I'm good at it. It makes me happy.

During this time at home, I'll have plenty of projects to occupy my time; A truck to fix, a hunting blind to finish, a cookout to plan for and excute, Relay for Life and some sort of family vacation time.

I get the feeling that I won't be any LESS BUSY when I stop traveling ... but I do know that I'll certainly be more content with being busy!

Random Words #4

Angst. Apprehension. Uncertainty. Future. Past. Work. Love. Lost. Trust. Regret. Fortune. Legacy. Outcome. Success. Rocking Chair. Hands. Memories. Tales. Fear. Loneliness. Narcissism.

Hello ... Me?

"I doubt anyone reads this blog, but that's not the point. I'm seeing my own thoughts in print. I can go back when I'm in a different mood and read them again. I can remind myself what I was feeling and understanding. It's almost like reading someone else's thoughts, because I rarely remember fully what I've written."

---

I haven't blogged in quite awhile, but I took time to go back and read my past blogs. It's amazing that I truly don't remember writing any of those things! If I were to write a song, or a poem ... or maybe even a story, I would be able to read along, and know what was coming next. But with these old blogs, I literally have no idea what I'm about to read, or how it will affect me.

I was, however reminded of the place I was at during those blogs. They reminded me of what I was feeling, and most importantly, what I was attempting to change. And actually, that's exactly what they were meant to do. The quote above is from one of the blogs. I wonder if I knew then, how true those words would be today?

If you're reading this, I encourage you to find a writing outlet. You don't have to be a great writer ... you just have to be honest with yourself. I try to write with the idea that no one will ever read my words, because if I anticipate someone reading them, I'll be more likely to edit or omit things that will be important later on.

Looking back on my words from a year ago and further back, reminds me that I still have a goal to accomplish. I'm able to ask myself, "How are you doing with that goal? Have you done anything to move forward, or were your words just for show? What can you do today, to change your life tomorrow?"

All of which, are very important questions to ask yourself each day.

Grave Realization ...

 

I went out to visit my grandfather's grave; he's been gone for almost a month now, and I wanted to tend to his gravesite.

 

As I spent the time cleaning up dried and ragged flowers and ribbons from the burial, I was conscious of the fact that my mother's grave is right next to his. The only difference now is that her daddy is next to her again. I know that would've meant a lot to her.

 

After I cleaned up his grave as best I could in slacks and a polo, I knelt down in front of momma. As soon as my hand touched her headstone, I began to cry. I don't know exactly why, other than knowing that I miss her immensely more than I ever thought I would. I talked to her about her grandkids; only one of which she had the opportunity to know. I told her how proud I am of them, and how proud she would be of them, too. I talked to her about my wife, and how my wife is the best thing to happen to me.

 

I thanked her for taking care of me for all those years, even though I didn't think it was worthwhile back then.

 

I guess the biggest realization I came across is that spending so much time with my grandfather before he died made it much easier for me when he passed away. I was at peace. I always thought death was like taking off a bandaide. I figured that ripping it off would hurt, but would be better in the long run. Now I understand that losing my mom so quickly, without letting her know how much she meant to me and how influential she's been in my life, has had a profound effect on my life. I still don't know that I'm okay with it. I feel comforted when I can pay homage to her through stories told to my kids. I talk to my family members about her.

 

It seems that in these instances, it's better to keep the wound open, rather than letting it scar over in an attempt to forget that it's there.

 

Peaceful Easy Feeling ...

 

It sounds corny, but I feel like one of those Disney movies where there's darkness, rain and the obligatory thunderous roar. Then slowly, the trees part to reveal a magically beautiful sunshine with flowers in bloom, butterflies fluttering and birds singing. You know it's going to be alright.

 

I feel like I'm coming out of that dark forest. I'm looking back and remembering how I didn't think I'd get out; I felt hopeless. Now I realize that I've made it. Now the choice is mine to either keep walking toward the beauty of the life ahead, or continue to dwell on where I've been.

 

You can't change the past. You can only accept it, learn from it ... and move forward.

 

Lyrics #2

 

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain't too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we've been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you'll be brave
'Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I ain't got the winning ticket
Not the one that's gonna pull us through
No one said that it'd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
I'd be gone

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you can't love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

It's a bitch, but life's a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It's hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let's hold on

Random Words #3

 

Melancholy. Alone. Shadows. Despair. Beatings. Abuse. Danger. Regret. Remorse. Shame. Acknowledgement. Doubt. Nervous. Anxious. Hesitant.

 

Fighting Myself ...

 

I'm tired of fighting myself. I know I have every reason to be happy with where my life is, but it's just so hard to stop beating myself up. I have to learn to accept the hand I've been dealt, and quit wondering what could've been, etc. I am happy where I'm at ... when that voice in my head is not bothering me. I think that's why I drink ... to get that voice to shut up. The problem is that sometimes the liquor makes that voice even stronger.

 

I'm kind of in a place right now, where I don't want to talk to anyone other than my wife, who I really think understands me. I didn't think that before, but it's becoming more apparent these days that she actually does. How amazing! I've got to stop closing her out, and work to let her in further. I'm getting there, but it's a new trick for an old dog.

 

Still not sure why I'm blogging all of this, but it does seem to help to see my thoughts in print.

 

Who knows?

 

Weight ...

 

Well, it finally happened. My grandfather died this weekend.

 

On one hand, I'd have loved to have him around much much longer. On the other hand, I know that his life had changed drastically. He was in pain from the Lung Cancer, and he was still adjusting to a life of laying in bed most of the day, and not being as active as he'd been all his life.

 

I feel like such a large weight has been lifted from me. I was his Power of Attorney. I loved being there for him, and making sure that he was treated well. I loved spending the past few months at his side comforting him, and also learning from him. He was a great example of a small-town southern man. If I could be a little more like him, I might be worth keeping around! However, it was also such a burden to walk around with the weight of not knowing if he'd be there the next day. If there were times that I couldn't make it to see him, I was constantly worried that something would happen and I would feel guilty for not being there.

 

Moreover, I felt such a pull to take care of him, because that's what my mother would be doing for him if she were here. I owed her so much, and it pained me to lose her without being able to tell her what she meant to my life. I had all-but abandoned her in her last few years because I was trying to live my own life. I didn't realize that my life was eternally pinned to hers. She helped to make me who I am.

 

Losing my grandfather was my last link to her. To know that I did right by him, makes me feel like I ultimately did right by her, too. And that is part of the weight that has been lifted from me. I love them both, and will always miss them both.

 

In the end, I got it right. Rest in peace.

 

Last Will and Testament ...

 

Wow, I'm 30 years old and I just finished my Will.

 

It's strange to think about, and hopefully it will be a long, long time before it's ever relevant. But I've seen too many instances where someone's time has come before they, or anyone else was ready. My 401(k) plan offers the service for free, so it was a lot easier for me to sit down and get it done.

 

Still, the thought of taking an inventory of your valuable possessions, and deciding who you want to have them, is quite intimidating. Am I sentencing myself to doom? I don't think so. I actually feel a lot better now. When my dad was hit by a car driving too close to the shoulder, the eye witness said that my dad had about 5-7 minutes where he was just looking up into the sky ... he was alive for that time, but probably knew he was dying.

 

I feel like if that were to happen to me, I'd spend my last few minutes thinking about whether or not my family will be okay without me. I have life insurance, I have letters to my family, and now I have my Will. They will be okay.

 

You just never know what's going to happen in life ... it's good to know that you've done what you can for the ones you'll leave behind.

 

Not yet ... Not yet ...

 

It seems like it's getting here too fast. Sooner than later, it will be time for me to hit the road again. This travel season won't be as bad as last Fall, but I can't kid myself ... I'm not looking forward to it, regardless.

 

I guess I'm still looking forward to the West Texas trip. No matter what, I can never hold a grudge against that part of the country. It's beautiful. You can drive down remote highways and still imagine that you're riding a horse through the open countryside. The mountains are both welcoming and intimidating. Even when they're snow-capped like they will most likely be this Fall, the mountains present themselves as a warm reprieve from the civilized world; which isn't really so civilized anymore, is it?

 

Inevitably I'll have to meander over to Southeastern Louisiana. It's a shame that such an ecclectic landscape with deep images from it's past, has become a place that is less than desirable to tourists. Even being familiar with the area, I still feel less than safe. I constantly watch over my shoulder for locals who are anxious for easy money from unsuspecting outsiders. I've even applied for my Concealed Handgun License, specifically for this territory.

 

---

 

Most of all, I'm going to miss the routines I've settled into since I've been home the past two months. I sit in the office and long to be home. I go to lunch with my wife, friends and co-workers. I see my kids as soon as they get home and I'm greeted with screams of delight from my daughter. It breaks my heart to think of her face the first time she comes home and realizes that Daddy is not home tonight.

 

I've really enjoyed my time with my wife these past two months. She's so special to me. I've grown much closer to her, knowing that she puts up with so much crap to stay married to me. I don't know how I lucked into snagging her, but it's important to realize that I had nothing to do with it. I was lucky.

 

So how will my life change when I start traveling again? On one hand, we've all become more adjusted to how things work when I'm gone. On the other hand ... we all like it better when I'm home. No matter what.

 

Lyrics

 

From now on, I'm gonna be the kind of man that you can lean on.

 

And when the waters of life get a little too rough or a little too deep, I'm gonna be your steppin' stone.

 

And oh, I remember all those nights that you used to take right a hold of me, and you'd hold on.

 

Please let me make it. Please, I can't give you up. 'Cause you've made love so good for me so long.

 

Don't take it away, 'cause love don't come easy. Darlin', I'm sorry I stepped over the line.

 

Don't take it away, don't make me go crazy. 'Cause I would follow you ... to the ends of my mind.

 

Random Words #2

 

Happy. Thankful. Pleased. Beautiful. Soft. Lips. Skin. Touch. Warmth. Dedicate. Cherish. Show. Know. Reveal. Acknowledge. Experience.

 

Every Rose ...

 

Maybe a relationship is like a rose ... you see the bloom and you're enthralled by the beauty of the bloom. You start your journey to obtain the rose.

 

Along the way, you realize that there are thorns that you didn't see when you were admiring the rose. You fight through a few of the smaller thorns and then you come across the big thorns. These are hard to navigate. You get pricked. You're bleeding. The cut is stinging and all you want to do is drop the rose and go find something less painful. But as you stand there bleeding, still holding the rose, you make a decision. It would be easy to drop everything. It would be easy to start over and look for a flower with no pain involved.

 

But if you've got the right rose ... you make the decision to keep fighting through the thorns. You might get pricked a couple more times. You may get hurt. But in the end, you find the rose, and the thorns are smaller. Soon, you are at the rose, and the trip seems to be just a small part of the quest to find your rose.

 

And the rose is what you were after. Only, this rose never wilts, and never loses it's fragrance.

 

Small Things ...

 

I was walking through the hallway at work today. One of my co-workers asked me how I am today. I said I was doing very well, thank you. I asked her how she was, and she looked slightly distressed and said, "Oh ... okay."

 

I told her, "Well, you're still breathing, so you have that going for you." She replied with a laugh, and I said ... "Some times, you just have to take the small things."

 

I thought it was a good bit of advice.

Joke

 

A 60-year old man walks into a jewelry store, with a bombshell in her early 20's by his side.

 

He says to the jeweler, "This is my girlfriend, and I'd like to show her how special she is to me." So the jeweler reaches into a drawyer and pulls out a very nice diamond ring valued at $5,000. The man says, "Well, that's nice, but not near beautiful enough for this gorgeous young woman." The jeweler gets excited, runs back to his office, re-appearing shortly with a gold box. He delicately opens the box to reveal a sparkling, perfectly polished ring with 3 large diamonds encrusted in the finest gold. He says, "This is from my personal collection ... it's valued at well over $100,000.

 

The young girl gasps, cuddles up close to the old man with her body quivering in excitement and delight. The old man says, "That's the one." The jeweler asks, "How would you like to pay for the ring?" "With a check," says the man. "Sir, I cannot release the ring until the check clears your bank," states the jeweler. The old man casually replies, "Perfectly understandable. I'll leave the check here with you. Once it has cleared Monday, I will come pick up the ring."

 

On late Monday, the jeweler calls the old man, disappointed and tells him that the check did not clear. The old man says, "Nope, I knew it wouldn't. But I had one helluva weekend!"

New to my iPod ...

 

The Best of Whitesnake

Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

The Very Best of Judas Priest

 

Life Suck?

 

If you ever feel like your life sucks, or is more trouble than it's worth ... go visit a nursing home.

 

Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the nursing home is living in misery. What I'm saying is that you have a group of people here, who would probably love to be anywhere else than wheeling themselves in a wheelchair at approximately .5 mpd (miles per day) back and forth from the sitting room to their bed. My grandfather is in a nursing home, and I go see him twice a day. He's doing well, but his only problem is lung cancer. Other than shortness of breath, he is fairly independent.

 

However, I see men and women who are taken out of bed, showered and dressed and wheeled into a hallway or sitting room and then left there to 'make a day of it.' Some of them stare out of a glass door at the world outside. Some of them have a set-up that keeps them from falling forward out of their wheelchair, so they just lean over and sleep all day. Others spend their days laying in their beds, no doubt wishing the end would just come.

 

So ... if you're having a bad day, think about those folks who are spending the end of their lives in limbo ... just waiting for the inevitable.

Random words ...

 

Cut. Hurt. Cold. Fetus. Hold. Accept. Embrace. Freedom. Enlightenment.

By the Light of a Burning Bridge ...

 

"It's amazing what a man can see by the light of a burning bridge."

 

I heard this song yesterday while I was piddling in the shop. What an amazing lyric!

 

I find that I'm learning something new about myself and my place in the world every day. By the light of a burning bridge, I'm seeing how fortunate I am to be where I am. I'm learning about myself in a whole new light, because I'm finally open to seeing myself through other people's eyes. When I look through those eyes, I see that it's fun BEING me, but not always fun living with me; experiencing me. That realization gives me new insight into what it takes for me to be more accessible to those around me.

 

I was told yesterday that I'm selfish. I don't think about other people when I make decisions about what I want, and when and how I want it. That may be an elementary concept -- the idea of thinking of the impact on others -- but for me, it's something that rarely comes into play. For the first time, however, I was able to listen to these words and understand that they were true. I'm not saying I can fix it overnight, but at least I'm at a point of understanding ... and a willingness to approach a solution.

 

Trust is the biggest component to change. The roads I've been down in my life make it hard for me to trust anyone beside myself. I'm the only one I know is not lying to me. Ironically, I'm also realizing that I don't always tell myself the truth. My wife has seen some of the darkest sides of me, and she's still here. She still loves me, no matter how much it hurts some times. I wish I'd gotten here differently, but I'm finally starting to trust myself to her. It's a fine line, because I have always been able to trust her to do things within her control. Now, I'm finding myself trusting her with things out of her control, such as identifying and helping me to change the self-destructive attributes of my personality.

 

I can't believe that I'm as scarred by my past as I am. I always thought I came out unscathed. Not so. More and more I'm realizing that many parts of my personality are designed for defensive purposes. Even though I thought I was an open book, I'm finding out that the open book was more of an open dare. I dare you to judge me. I dare you to care about the fact that I don't care! I dare you to isolate me, because that's where I'm comfortable.

 

These are hard things to realize about myself. Maybe I'm not ready to blurt them out to everyone ... but I'm trying. I doubt anyone reads this blog, but that's not the point. I'm seeing my own thoughts in print. I can go back when I'm in a different mood and read them again. I can remind myself what I was feeling and understanding. It's almost like reading someone else's thoughts, because I rarely remember fully what I've written.