Random Words #4

Angst. Apprehension. Uncertainty. Future. Past. Work. Love. Lost. Trust. Regret. Fortune. Legacy. Outcome. Success. Rocking Chair. Hands. Memories. Tales. Fear. Loneliness. Narcissism.

Hello ... Me?

"I doubt anyone reads this blog, but that's not the point. I'm seeing my own thoughts in print. I can go back when I'm in a different mood and read them again. I can remind myself what I was feeling and understanding. It's almost like reading someone else's thoughts, because I rarely remember fully what I've written."

---

I haven't blogged in quite awhile, but I took time to go back and read my past blogs. It's amazing that I truly don't remember writing any of those things! If I were to write a song, or a poem ... or maybe even a story, I would be able to read along, and know what was coming next. But with these old blogs, I literally have no idea what I'm about to read, or how it will affect me.

I was, however reminded of the place I was at during those blogs. They reminded me of what I was feeling, and most importantly, what I was attempting to change. And actually, that's exactly what they were meant to do. The quote above is from one of the blogs. I wonder if I knew then, how true those words would be today?

If you're reading this, I encourage you to find a writing outlet. You don't have to be a great writer ... you just have to be honest with yourself. I try to write with the idea that no one will ever read my words, because if I anticipate someone reading them, I'll be more likely to edit or omit things that will be important later on.

Looking back on my words from a year ago and further back, reminds me that I still have a goal to accomplish. I'm able to ask myself, "How are you doing with that goal? Have you done anything to move forward, or were your words just for show? What can you do today, to change your life tomorrow?"

All of which, are very important questions to ask yourself each day.

Grave Realization ...

 

I went out to visit my grandfather's grave; he's been gone for almost a month now, and I wanted to tend to his gravesite.

 

As I spent the time cleaning up dried and ragged flowers and ribbons from the burial, I was conscious of the fact that my mother's grave is right next to his. The only difference now is that her daddy is next to her again. I know that would've meant a lot to her.

 

After I cleaned up his grave as best I could in slacks and a polo, I knelt down in front of momma. As soon as my hand touched her headstone, I began to cry. I don't know exactly why, other than knowing that I miss her immensely more than I ever thought I would. I talked to her about her grandkids; only one of which she had the opportunity to know. I told her how proud I am of them, and how proud she would be of them, too. I talked to her about my wife, and how my wife is the best thing to happen to me.

 

I thanked her for taking care of me for all those years, even though I didn't think it was worthwhile back then.

 

I guess the biggest realization I came across is that spending so much time with my grandfather before he died made it much easier for me when he passed away. I was at peace. I always thought death was like taking off a bandaide. I figured that ripping it off would hurt, but would be better in the long run. Now I understand that losing my mom so quickly, without letting her know how much she meant to me and how influential she's been in my life, has had a profound effect on my life. I still don't know that I'm okay with it. I feel comforted when I can pay homage to her through stories told to my kids. I talk to my family members about her.

 

It seems that in these instances, it's better to keep the wound open, rather than letting it scar over in an attempt to forget that it's there.

 

Peaceful Easy Feeling ...

 

It sounds corny, but I feel like one of those Disney movies where there's darkness, rain and the obligatory thunderous roar. Then slowly, the trees part to reveal a magically beautiful sunshine with flowers in bloom, butterflies fluttering and birds singing. You know it's going to be alright.

 

I feel like I'm coming out of that dark forest. I'm looking back and remembering how I didn't think I'd get out; I felt hopeless. Now I realize that I've made it. Now the choice is mine to either keep walking toward the beauty of the life ahead, or continue to dwell on where I've been.

 

You can't change the past. You can only accept it, learn from it ... and move forward.

 

Lyrics #2

 

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain't too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we've been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you'll be brave
'Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I ain't got the winning ticket
Not the one that's gonna pull us through
No one said that it'd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
I'd be gone

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you can't love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

It's a bitch, but life's a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It's hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let's hold on

Random Words #3

 

Melancholy. Alone. Shadows. Despair. Beatings. Abuse. Danger. Regret. Remorse. Shame. Acknowledgement. Doubt. Nervous. Anxious. Hesitant.

 

Fighting Myself ...

 

I'm tired of fighting myself. I know I have every reason to be happy with where my life is, but it's just so hard to stop beating myself up. I have to learn to accept the hand I've been dealt, and quit wondering what could've been, etc. I am happy where I'm at ... when that voice in my head is not bothering me. I think that's why I drink ... to get that voice to shut up. The problem is that sometimes the liquor makes that voice even stronger.

 

I'm kind of in a place right now, where I don't want to talk to anyone other than my wife, who I really think understands me. I didn't think that before, but it's becoming more apparent these days that she actually does. How amazing! I've got to stop closing her out, and work to let her in further. I'm getting there, but it's a new trick for an old dog.

 

Still not sure why I'm blogging all of this, but it does seem to help to see my thoughts in print.

 

Who knows?